First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
