You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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