Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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