My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
