I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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