just survived the first fart of the relationship.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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