Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
