god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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