I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Drake has all the answers
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
