Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
