Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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