I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
