He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
