how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize