is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
