If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
