i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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