in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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