If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
