Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
