OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
