Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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