Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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