haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
