I'm going to rape someone's good day.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
