i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
