There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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