well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
