I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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