my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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