Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I didn't notice because vodka
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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