Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
