we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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