i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
