Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
