dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
