Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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