Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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