FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
wow bdsm is so cute
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
