Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
