If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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