You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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