Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
