The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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