I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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