That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
