i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
