a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
