There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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