I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
