I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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