Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
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