I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
