somebody snuck up and got me drunk
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
