**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
