On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
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I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
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I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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